so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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