Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I touched a dick in church today
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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