You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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