When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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