if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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