Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
