My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
