When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
