when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
