how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
