i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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