I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
