Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
