i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
