Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
