i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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