Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
