i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
