Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
