Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I have post one night stand depression
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
