Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
