Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
