Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
