So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
