Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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