He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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