somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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