She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
