well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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