I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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