if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
