I only kidnapped one of them. chill
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
