I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
