Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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