Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize