My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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