Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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