I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
