so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
