So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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