How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
