I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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