I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
