Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I need a beard to bite.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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