dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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