So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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