I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
