So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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