mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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