im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I did not marry a roomba.
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