I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
