i need an iv and a liver transplant
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
