Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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