Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
