I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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