Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
