I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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