The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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